And just like that, we're off into a new month and getting closer than ever to the end of 2018. I had all these grand ideas coming into a new semester for my academic life, my social life, and my internet life. All of that promptly fell apart...

When people tell you that junior year is difficult, it doesn't just apply for high school - it hits you just as hard in college. I came back this semester with a rocky foundation on my perception of my major and my department that were already making me feel anxious and unsteady but things just hit so hard within the first couple of days.

I won't go into specific details but here are some things that I have been letting sit in my mind for the past month that I thought could be nice to share:

1. Keep an open mind.

That seems like such a simple statement and something that we hear all the time yet it's what is literally keeping me afloat right now. I'm struggling with a lot of my major-related courses and it's my single minor-related course that is making school interesting and enjoyable. With the classes that are honestly so mentally difficult to get through, it takes a small adjustment of keeping an open mind even if the instructor seems to have a very narrow viewpoint (and some occasional doodling) that has allowed me to learn even amidst internal turmoil.

2. The art of practicing never comes easily.

I'll admit, as a music major, I failed greatly over the summer with my practicing and that made coming back to a rigorous environment all the more difficult. Yet as I'm slowly getting back into the grind of things, I'm finding out that there are still endless ways for me to improve and while that can be incredibly discouraging, I'm working on letting that power me forward to give me something to works towards. But honestly, my teacher just told me today in lessons that I need to wake up at 5am so I can practice 3 hours before my first class...what's sleep for a college student?

3. Stepping outside my itty bitty comfort zone...is not as life/death as I thought.

I got "recruited" to do chamber music this semester which is basically a performance based "class" where you get put in a group with other students and work on music collectively and perform it at the end of the year. Anyone who knows me will know my absolute aversion to performing (ironic since I'm a music major) but alas my inability to say no has landed me in a trio. I can go on forever about my experiences so far and maybe it's cause we haven't had an official performance yet (first one's Oct 29 😱) I'm actually finding that I enjoy the collaborative effort and the music we're learning is something completely different and almost refreshing.

September has been rough I'm not going to lie. I go from laughing with my friends to feeling incredibly lonely and sad or from feeling accomplished with my work only for it to be received negatively - life's a rollercoaster for sure. October is only going to get more hectic and I'm sure that things will still feel completely out of control for me. 

But I'm determined to make those little moments where I can recharge - simple things such as reading or watching a drama or even drawing a doodle in my sketchbook - to remind myself to take a deep breath when my brain goes into overdrive because life's an experience, it's not supposed to be smooth sailing.